Its been a long while since I've had the motivation to publish something.
This lack in expression is not, however, the product of sloth; nor the child of chaos. The last months have been a period of deep personal exploration and transformation, the effects of which are beginning to make themselves evident.
Like all major change, however, this period has been challenging. I have been tested physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have met some with great success, faltered on others, and the occasional wall or two. Truth be told, I could tell you everything about walls. The tall, slippery ones; the ones with a blind landing; and the low ones you dont see until the last minute. So today my story is a story about walls. Well, The Wall.
Foxx has a dirty little secret...
Sometimes he doesn't like himself very much.
Not very dirty, I know. Sorry to disappoint you.
I suppose we had better call the secret guilty, really, as guilt is what bubbles in my belly when I feel that way.
Guilty for not living up to my potential, guilty that I've let others down. Guilty for struggling to keep up with commitments and guilty asking for help.
Most of all, I feel guilty for not having the courage to love myself.
"Thats crazy!" you must be saying. "Foxx, you're talented and gorgeous and awesome! How could you not totally love yourself?!"
I appreciate the compliments but, in all seriousness, this is my most persistent wall. It is THE Wall. It surrounds me. It IS me! and every path leads through it.
Usually, its pretty easy to look like I'm on track. I like to give people the impression that Ive got my shit together; even when said shit is sliding slowly, inexorably, fan-wards.
Sadly, I can't fool myself. No matter where I turn, there I am staring back. "You have to Love me!" I tell myself. Sometimes I just forget how...
A reminder is needed,
but what could it be?
When The Wall is too high... Of course!
Can you see?
The doorway inside, right through to your chest.
In there beats the rhythm that knows you the best.
Among those tick-tocks, and kerpounds, and kerthumps,
There is a Love that waits to abound.
You don't have to hunt, or search to and fro,
Give yourself a big hug, you're ready to start,
You've got it already, right there in your heart.
It has all that you'll need,
when the weather turns sour,
to light your way home and find you your power.
Power to tear down the Wall that you fear,
Power to sing the songs you hold dear.
And dance silly dances, and play silly games!
You just need to remember: get out of your way!
The fun you will have! The plays you will play!
When finally, silly, you get out of your way!
Let your heart open up, create and unwind,
Relax! Its OK! No one will mind,
That the Love shining through
might make them go blind!
That Love is your hammer, your trusty old mace,
and you'll smash that tall Wall with nary a trace
of sadness, or illness or any disgrace.
You won't hardly miss it, I promise you that,
the big old Wall you had holding you back!
Oh, you'll meet more Walls, some high and some low,
Some when your song is beginning to flow.
They'll look dark and dreadful when you draw near,
but trust me, look closely, you have nothing to fear!
With Love in your heart all the walls are the same,
Don't worry, you got this! You're good at this game!